l 0 v 3
is when two people who cares for each other gets confused

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`i've waited all my life
`to cross this ~~line~~
`to the only thing that's true

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

skipped lecture today.

Im still feeling a bit feverish from last night's swimming, so decided to give myself a break and meet the gang to chill out. i totally agree that bitching makes everyone wide awake. esp to my clique.

anyway, did i mention that one student sent me to the bus stop yest?

it was a sec two kid under another instructor. he's a north indian. height: 186.

imagine our vast height difference when we walk side by side. at normal times, i find him annoying irrriting. mind you. not just the usual sort but one of those who keeps buzzing around ure head from the pool all the way up to the office and out of the club.

sometimes, i really feel like smacking his head to shut him up. but given his height and mine, i guess that was quite fruitless, so i didnt.

yest, he managed to persuade me to have dinner with him. my nose has somewhat gone off the rocket and the mucus just wouldnt stop flowing. so i had tissue stuffed up there with one hand and the other holding my burger almost thru the whole dinner.

my only wish den? leave the bloody place.

it didnt help that my ears' blocked and i had to stop him half the time and make him repeat his words. imagine his frustration. and MINE. in the end, i learnt to just nod and munch on my burger.

kinda slow on the catch but oh wells, i was SICK.

picture my ecstasy when we were finally done and ready to go home. and he had to offer to send me to the bus stop.

i mean the kid is a nice one and i dont wana be mean. but my nose was halfway close to being rubbed off and my body's burning from the cold. after a great hooha (which i didnt know how come the walk turned out to be a cab ride to the bus stop) i finally caved in and followed him into the cab.

but that didnt stop my relentless nagging.

until i realized his good intentions.

even thou he's living so near, he's cabbing cause he dont want me to go through the 15-mins walk to the bus stand. so he decided to send me there instead.

i was left abashed the whole two mins ride.

let out a sigh. i must remember to treat him a little kinder the next time.

oh, Action-for-Aid Walk this coming sunday and im going with kane aj juan cal etc. my kids' parents were fine with postponing classes and asked me to have a great time! cool. grin.

guys, remb the animated sms? so funny.

someone mentioned about faulty wavelengths during the previous project discussion.

sitting inconspicuously at one corner of the room, that arrow pierced a well-hidden raw nerve.

have i lost the thread or isit just that some people simply dont see it.

if there's even close to two same wavelengths, arguments, politicians and wars would cease to exist;

let alone relationships.

`l am my own man
2:44 AM.

Friday, November 23, 2007

down with one last group project.

FINALLY.

how come i dun remember last term to be so hectic. i have already lost count of the numerous nights spent doing my assgs until 6-9 in the morning.

gonna smoke den crash for 2 hours before tutition and swimming later on in the day. im so looking forward to sat even thou it's another round of proj discussion after swimming classes.

im gonna swim laps on sat, trust me on that. gotta release all the pent energy before the last lap of the race (i.e. the term exams). give determined look. haha.

two more weeks to exams and im free.
im free.. i love the sweet sound of it.

(omg. i cant wait.)

`l am my own man
8:43 AM.

Monday, November 19, 2007

give andrew a big hug..

if you think ure fighting this alone,
think again.
im right here, in it, with you.
if you fall, i will be there to pull you up.
and i promise myself,
i'll never let you fall into that pithole again.

it breaks me to see how you lived the past year dru. move on and have faith in ure heart.
you deserve so much more in life.

look, it's a beautiful world out there.
and it's waiting for you.

remember, ure not alone.
we're all rooting for you.

P.S. i love you deep deep. (:

`l am my own man
1:52 AM.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

two tests and two individual projects down. workplace law test this coming sunday, a law proj due next wed and i can finally take a breather! omg. the past two weeks is such a killer. andrew would agree with me ya? and this reminds me of one of our attempts to stay thru the night to study which basically end up with us flipping the pages and chatting incessantly.

a piece of good news for change. i got back my tests results. 8.5/10 and 14/15. scored the second best (the top scorer got 9/10, he's amazing) and the latter paper, the lecturer was proudly telling me after the grading that he gave me the highest score.

he's a funny guy this lecturer. on one of the test topics on Steve Jobs, Apple and Pixar CEO, i was like giving a random comment that if i am given a chance to work with him, despite his idiosyncrasy and autocratic style of management, i would totally jump at the golden opportunity. he's a legend mans.

and if i can survive him, i can surive anything in this world. my lecturer said this to me at the end of the class, 'yes, i can see you survive and you will survive!' my classmate was like singing survival in the background. what an inspiring scene huh.

caught this when i was surfing youtube a while ago. did i ever mention that the notebook is one of my all time fav romance shows? (: oh btw, juan and andrew, i would be free to come out to study after wed! halleluiah!

`l am my own man
4:51 AM.

Monday, November 12, 2007

today was 6 hours' worth of swimming. and im still burning with energy despite burning the night away on my law assg.

i will never not go for my sunday classes even if im running a fucking high fever or my throat is as sore as it can ever get. i just cannot imagine the kinda disappointment on my kids' faces like that on the kids of my friday classes.

normally when my kids clamber onto me, i will threaten to swing them around and throw them into the water. and most of the time, i did just that.

but today, i thought i might be able to use some hugs to fill up this unbearable void inside of me.

without protest, i let them climb up onto my lap and sit hugging me. and i held on tight to them and buried my face for as long as i dared in the crook of their small fragile necks without letting my eyes betray me. before leaving, one of my kids kissed me full on each cheek and smiled. at that moment, i felt like my pain might just be a little lessened.

you know this isnt easy for me.
i wana scream that im not letting you get rid of me.
i wana get a ticket and fly over right this very moment and shake you hard
and say you cant do this to me.
you cant do this to us.
i wana smash every single thing in sight and say
i wont resign my life to this.
i want you and you.
i want a life with you.
you know how much this means to us.
i want so much to ask you to stay but the words wont come out.
i cant let the person who complete me leave my life just like that.
i cant.

i cant..

but i did.
i just did that..

loving someone shouldnt be so hard. what is this world that is standing right before me now. i dunno what it is anymore.

i hate myself.
i hate my place in this fucking world.
i hate it that i cannot do fuck to hold on to this that means more than the world to me.
i hate the person who is in me now.
i hate her.
i wish she can fucking disappear from the face of this world and stop existing.

open mouth and scream silently
please take me away someone..
please..

im so sorry..
i really want to make it easier for me for you for everyone.
but i cant put up with a lie like this for fucking christ sake.

it's never easy right from the start
and i should have known better than to try making it so.

`l am my own man
12:44 AM.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

months of waiting and there is finally a conclusion.

i feel liberated and the heavy burden that has been weighing on my shoulder has finally been lifted off. like what Botak the tattoo artist said, contentment and bliss. i think i might just have caught a glimpse of it.

what im most amazed of is the conversation with deborah. she as a matter of fact striked my match and enlightened (no joke) me on 'me'. like seriously, i didnt expect to get my answer from her. as in i know i was selfish to hold on, but i cant exactly pin-point why i felt that way. deborah, the ever lame-and-crappy joker that goes around irritating the hell out of everyone, thanks for talking sense to me despite you not been sleeping for at least 36 hours straight. ure unbelievable. huggs.. oh and btw, ure 'pitch talk'? it really tickled me. grin.

and to kane who's trying her best to crack me up by talking and talking incessantly about probably the most random things around. im so sorry for being so unreactive. it was actually quite amusing if the situation has been different. thanks man. (:

and to juan, big cheers for the analytical discussion about my feelings. it was strange how your questions jolted me up from my sleeping state of mind. i guess i was still in shock and confusion.

and to aj who's trying so hard to stay awake. i hope you have finally get to soak your poor hand in warm water and tucked ureself comfortably in bed. thanks for being so sweet and sticking around even when ure super shagged.

i guess after four years, im still learning how to let go. oh well what's new. at least like what deborah said, im still standing on my platform and essentially unchanged. which can be both a bad thing and a good thing. i am still me after all, still learning how life works and how to deal with the changes that come along. i realized i was trying so hard to hold on to the feeling that is so real to me, and in the process of holding it so tightly and afraid of losing it, i didnt know i was choking it. killing myself and dragging another down along the way. set it free and be contented that for once, i have shared such an amazing connection with another being.

claire, kayne, kane, juan, aj, deborah, lerrick, merser and shiyun, thanks for being there when i was so lost. i didnt know what i was doing and come to think of it, i think i was just like a kid who has just received her new toy and refusing to let it go. thinking it would just disappear should i let it out of my grasp. trying so desperately to hold on to this love that i have been waiting for all this while.

to want to have the best of the world is just plain greed. im learning everyday and now that i have let go, i feel happier. sense of loss? definitely, but im coping fine. no no.. as in really. i know i used to say im okay when im not. but now, i really am. i love you guys and im bloody glad you guys are in my life.

and right now, two projects submission and a paper next sat. mad rush time. shoot me. ):

`l am my own man
1:12 AM.

Friday, November 02, 2007

i no longer think it's a matter of shared decision.

a month or two.
it's just a matter of numbers isnt it.

i like you. i love you. does it still mean anything?

`l am my own man
1:27 PM.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

oh my god, can you believe it? i went sun-tanning at sentosa with shiyun today!

i thought i might be able to escape it with the heavy downpour last night. it was a good 15 minutes of waiting restlessly before i gave in and walked home in the cold rain, trying to not-look-very-out-of-place with my quickened steps in the pouring rain especially when i walked past the kiosk.

i like the rain. but i dun like the idea of being caught in it. the hassle of being wet and wiping away the pool of water that dripped all the way to my room and then to the kitchen and back to my room again is too much for me to bear.

having many never-ending phases of projects on hand, i dun think im going Play tm. (sorry andrew and wendy!)

but im damn glad i went with shiyun to TJ Beach. it's a much desired rewarding and peaceful retreat away from the buzz of the city. relaxing not to say therapeutical to the soul. the waves, the sand and even the sun feel good merged together. it was a warm fuzzy sorta weather. we din even perspire at all and i even managed an hour nap in between!

how long has it been since i last took a nap? i cant remember. but one thing for sure, i certainly felt very refreshed when i woke up. bless the weather. and given that we went on a weekday early noon, the beach is basically all ours except for a small handful of caucasian families and couples lazing around! glorious haven!

we have arranged to go again soon. i so dun mind becoming darker despite the fact that i've been trying adamantly to avoid the sun. but the next time round, the towel's gonna reside on my shoulder the whole bloody time. can already feel some stinging pain on my shoulder now. think im slightly burnt. damn. i hope i dun peel.

`l am my own man
12:21 AM.