l 0 v 3
is when two people who cares for each other gets confused

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`i've waited all my life
`to cross this ~~line~~
`to the only thing that's true

Thursday, August 30, 2007

i love her. i know her for her.
that is going to be enough for now.
gonna blog weekly and concentrate on my school that's starting.
and that, is going to be my main focus for the next few months. i should really set my mind to carry out what i have planned to do.

`l am my own man
11:46 AM.

A Strange Land

i saw a lot of used-to-be familiar faces in town today. walked past the regular brick and mortar architecture with their routine operations, constructions and on the much trodden pavement and through the horde of human traffic that has became so much a part of the town landscape.

almost abruptly, my heart thumped just slightly faster than my normal faster-than-average heartbeat. it continued for a while too long to be comfortable. something was not right. but what was amiss? i gave a quick glance at aunty margaret for reassurance. she strolled on with her trademark ease and confidence and i quickly shoved that unsettling emotion which constantly threatened to bubble up again deep inside a corner of my mind.

after what seemed like ages, i decided to look up at the sea of faces around me. a task i have not contemplated for a very long time. i was trying to focus with my short-sightedness which is as a result of a certain vanity of not wanting to wear my glasses. i always believe that i look highly unlike myself with a foreign frame on my face or at least that is how i feel. i strained my eyes further to capture some clearer images. it was a quick blur and my head immediately start to throb leaving me nauseous.

i thought things might turn out better if i revisit my old-time hangout spot at Spinellis but the odd sensation still lingered. two cups of sunkiss (a medium and a large) and i gave up. i guess.. i just need some time to adapt to this new place that seems to have evolved overnight.

tonight, as i walk alone, i pick up the fragments of a portrait so carelessly strewn onto the streets. it forms a near complete beautiful picture and i made up my mind then, that im going to frame it up somewhere in a secret place where no one can ever touch it again.

December, "the anticipation produced in me a sensation somewhat between bliss and fear," quoted by James Weldon Johnson.

`l am my own man
12:43 AM.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

i miss my gerfwn. i miss andrew. i miss lerrick. and i wonder what's the rest of the gang doing.

cant wait to get out of my house to meet juan and maybe eliza and calvin. haven seen them for weeks mans, wonder how they're getting on. i can hear gerfwn, lerrick and andrew's voice in the background. playing the video i took of them.

shit. i miss her voice even though we have just talked 3 hours ago. gerfwn. sigh. this is so getting nowhere.

OMG gerfwn. i just remembered. can you hurry send me ALL the pictures and videos that we have taken in your camera?? ):):):

`l am my own man
6:58 PM.

journey all the way to tpy today was teribble. but instantly felt better and much more cheerful after a certain call from somewhere half a world away. (:

it's like 0515hours and i still cant get to bed. this is really bad. and hell. i got to wake up less than two hours later. talk about getting your rest for a long hard day ahead like what your boss said.

was talking to Christine after Kane and Juan went back. i feel so good. and we totally agree that people who are NOT EVEN our friends should just bloody stay out of our lives and fucking try to get a life for once.

Like HELLO! STOP TRYING TO FUCKING BACKSTAB US BEHIND OUR BACKS TO OUR GIRLFRIENDS! WE DO HEAR ABOUT IT YOU KNOW. AND. YOU BETTER WATCH OUT.
talk about losers. geez.

to my dear friend Sheena Yap who's leaving for NYU. i love you. please come back safe and sound with a brainload of knowledge and hopefully the same old you though some bit of added ruggedness wont hurt. (:

and to dear Christine who's leaving for Thailand tm, help me get the bag i mentioned ya? den i will buy you even more cookies when you get back okay? grin.

think i better get some sleep. im getting close to being cranky.

`l am my own man
5:12 AM.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

it's been a mad hour rush from the moment i stepped into the office till now. managed to grab my lunch with roland and back to the mad rush. but this time, alone. was scheduling interviews, classes, collecting payment, picking numerous calls for enrolment and interviewing the permanent administrative ger.

she's a malay. 20 years of age and is very affable and courteous despite my walking around talking to her, screaming into the phone at Roland and shuffling papers and files around. im trying to find a damn employment form and i swear, HE IS testing my patience the way he guides me to the right cabinet. throughout the whole phone conversation, which unfortunately, the poor ger has to go through it all, i cant seem to stem my usual obscenities i tend to put across when im frustrated with Roland. Phrases like "damn you", "what the hell are you talking about", "that's stupid larh", "oh my god, why din you tell me earlier", "hello, there's two fax machines here, which one" are openly thrown across the room as i walk all over in search of a damn miserable piece of paper. okay. make it two but hell.

sometimes, trust me, it's really very trying and exasperating to communicate in decent language with my boss. and i guess he's used to my flowery terms and he doesnt mind what form my words take to be conveyed across to him. he's a nice boss i mean. i love him and at sporadic moments, even admire his drive and shrew business acumen. and he knows that im the only one who openly criticize and argue with him relentlessly and not hesitant in the least to voice out my displeasures towards his nonchalent and close-to-irresponsible attitude towards work at certain parts.

anyway, i asked the interviewee to pardon my language and she merely said "oh, it's okay". totally unfazed by my lack of fine demeanour. i liked her already. im sure we will get along just fine. (:

oh, i just managed to read my gerfwn's blog. it was a little disturbing to read her entry especially the last paragraph. im getting a little worried. i sure hope the over-dosage of orientation has not over-stimulate her brain. i quite love my gerfwn for being the sane old sensible her. (:

my God. my left ear is hurting badly again. it's been so for the past few days. i wonder whether that has anything to do with the office phone. it has a funny sound over the phone and ever since i started office work here, my ear's been hurting. it can be so painful that i can only grit my teeth and wait for the pain to pass. urggg.

now's 2006hrs. going off to look for sheena and probably for a stayover. think kerrie weiling and zibbie's gonna be there too. if only she can meet me after work tm, but she's meeting ten thousand other people and i dun wana be part of that. so. sigh.

suddenly, i miss my gerfwn. dun ask me why it's so random. she always manage to creep into my brain even when im at my busiest. wonder what she's doing now. alrite. think i better leave the office now.

`l am my own man
5:25 PM.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

im sitting in my swim school office blogging.

oh my current temporary job? Roland Swim School Administrator. haha. i work on tues, thurs and fri from 1-8 sometimes later cause of swimming classes. so now, im effectively working everyday from tues to sun! i feel so accomplished. haha.

my Operation Manager went for an urgent leave to visit her husband in Indonesia (dun ask me why cause i have no idea at all for what-so-ever-important-reason it is that she has to throw her work one side abruptly for ONE MONTH and fly to Indonesia).

but it was all so good timing for me cause im trying to look for a job to fill up my two weeks break before my new term starts. feel so lucky! and the best thing is i can get my pay check after the two weeks! hurray! haha.

just finished the registration for NASSA. the swimming tests are on this coming sat and sun. my OM sure know how to take her time to do the office work. all the certificates are piled high to be laminated. and i have not the slightest idea on how to do it. God bless me. aye! come to think of it, i cant even find the certificates! WTH

and at the last minute notice, she asked me to take over a swimming class at 6. i mean of course i dun mind taking the class for extra bucks, but you got to tell me earlier so i can at least prepare my swim suit right? in the end, i was made to get a new one at Downtown World of Sports with a GRAND sponsor of 20 bucks. like hell it makes a difference when all they have is TYR suits. if not for my boss, i would just take a walk out of it. worse, she DIN even thank me for my efforts!! £%^$^&%&*^*

sometimes, it really strikes me how Roland can stand all her nonsense. shrug. none of my business after all. alrite, back to the HUNT for the certs! :(

`l am my own man
4:06 PM.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Avril Lavigne > When You're Gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

`l am my own man
9:30 PM.

13August 2007.

it's four in the morning and i've decided it's breakfast time. (:

i like the tranquility that comes in the wee hours of the morning. it's a real therapeutic treat and allows me to breathe properly after a long tiring day. the brilliant finale would be to sneak a stick at your window and stare into the darkness that looms behind the mass of concrete.

as my eyes starts to lose its focus, my mind begins to empty itself and i can feel my muscles slowly loosening. it takes only about a short fifteen minutes and my heart would feel so much lighter. it makes me feel more alive rather than lonely as i look upon the endless stretch of quiet streets from my window.

things are happening too fast for my accustomed unhurried pace in life. so much has taken place and im too caught up to really be conscious of my surroundings. as i look out of the window, i take in all the details i have been missing for the past weeks.

there will be just this tiny voice that keeps buzzing around my head..
"all's real and nothing is made up".

it seems like my life has been caught in a major whirlpool and i have just managed to get swept out of it. it is amusing that a commonplace person like me with the most placid character you can possibly find in this hectic and exhausting place we live in should be caught in this entanglement.

the only thing i desire infinitely is peace and a world of my own where no one is allowed to come in easily. but i have just allowed her to step in so effortlessly into my world which i so valiantly try to protect and, unquestionably, stepped into hers too.

despite her physical absence, she still very much exist in my world. and frankly, till now, i am still very amazed and very much delighted at her unwitting entry into my life. under my circumstances, one might think that there should be little joy left to celebrate, but right now (and in the time to come), im indulging in a state of euphoria.

yes, i admit sometimes, especially in the dead of the night, my lips would still quiver uncontrollably, but i realized, i have found my happiness, or rather it has found me. all i really need to do now, is to study hard and try to take my mind off missing her too much. even the sound of it is hard. but i know, we will pull each other through. it has never been easy right from the beginning. dun worry my friends, i know we will do just fine. (:

`l am my own man
4:01 AM.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

12Aug2007. 1552hrs

I will be waiting for you to come back.
Dun you forget that.
Dun you ever forget that I love you and that no one can ever hope to take over your place in my heart. There's a name written on my heart
and that name is Lim Shuming.

You know what? I miss you terribly already.
But I know also, when I think of you,
there will always be a smile on my face.
You will be everywhere around me.
Close to omnipresent I would describe.

And I will never forget the feeling of you in my arms, the smell of your neck and the softness of your lips. The playful sideways glance we always throw at each other. Your violence tendencies. (cough*) The little playful kid inside you. The emotional you. The tears-prone soul you have. The campassionate person you are. et cetera. All these attributes of you, I will hold it very close to me and you would not be missed in anyway.

You have captured my heart shuming, and I dare say optimistically speaking, it's near impossible for you to escape my memory, be it weeks, months or years. Your name is permanently engraved on my heart. No hopeful chance of removal.

I love you shu.
And I will be waiting here for you.
Dun you worry okay?
Any girls that come close to remotely flirt with me,
I will get Lerrick and Andrew to manhandle them.
Like seriously. (grin*)

I do love you so.
Just remember that wont you?
kris and shuming. you, me and us.
It all comes together.

gerfwn..
gerfwn..
It will always be this way.

`l am my own man
2:59 PM.

Friday, August 03, 2007

i saw her stand up, walk over to the old lady who seemed to be settled in an awkward and fitful sleep, and touch her gently. i saw her talk to the old lady who seemed to be sleeping in the middle of maxwell market at 3+ in the morning instead of cosying up on her bed at home.

she thought the old lady had somehow fallen asleep because she wasnt feeling well or so. i saw her squat with her legs drawn up closely beneath her body looking up at the old lady with much tenderness and care and spoke to her with a heart i know that empathize deeplywith the old lady. my heart swelled with pride when i took in the scene, sitting there with my bowl of noodles in front of me.

i smiled and i wondered to myself, how she did it but everyday, it just seems like, she manages to amaze me a little bit more.

`l am my own man
2:25 PM.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

i love her. and i was trying to in a manner that seemed best to me.

i wanted her all to myself. it was the most selfish act i admitted. but secretly, i yearned for it. i kept myself under restraint to conceal my un-glorious desire. but i only managed to hold the fort for three days before it got knocked down badly. she came to me one unwarned night and striked hard on my wall of fortress, bashed it really ruthlessly, and reduced it into pieces. just like that.

all i ever intended it to be was to simply create precious moments.. specifically our precious moments. going to significant places where it would set strong unwavering memories of us, holding hands treading down the beautiful alleys amid all the wonderful treasures and secrets it holds. but sadly, all these scenes never did materialize.

and everyday for those three days, i found myself draw deeper into my defensive shell, behaving like a mutinous six-year-old kid, sulking when things were not done in the way they wanted it to be. i tried so hard to snap out of it, but all i could do merely, was to be a bystander and watched the film unroll from outside. i felt so alienated.. so strangely misplaced in a situation that i was not supposed to be in.

i was just waiting then.. waiting for her to leave me. waiting for her to see through the pretentious facade i have had so majestically established, the major imperfections and the neurotic wonk behind the very sane face she is looking at everyday.

she found out alrite. but she didnt leave me. instead, she pulled me out of it. i was astounded beyond comprehension and for quite a long while, i stood in stunned silence to cushion the shock. she managed to pull it off when others had stepped into the quicksand and yielded under the weight. i cant believe it.

i hear that exalted sound made by the willing hands of two lovers when they touched. it is so dazzling and alluring that it takes my breath away so absolutely. i am enchanted. love.. is that what they called it?

`l am my own man
4:35 PM.