l 0 v 3
is when two people who cares for each other gets confused

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`i've waited all my life
`to cross this ~~line~~
`to the only thing that's true

Sunday, October 28, 2007

it's been a week and my viral infection seems to be recovering quite nicely. tm's the last day of my course of medication and you cant imagine just how freaking glad i am. not like it does any major damage to my body, but i hate taking medicine and those who know me would also know that i cant swallow pills for nuts.

and.. it has to create swelling again. but somehow, i wasnt as bothered as before. i guess it isnt as bad as i used to think it is after all.

spent the whole day at home, reading my notes and watching dvds. simple clean fun!

oh, and some news for celebration. i haven smoke since thursday.

guess i might be able to settle to being a social smoker after all. i have never really feel a need to quit. to be honest, i pretty much enjoy smoking. and im willing to compromise at the expense of my health. strangely, it's some sort of a trade-off which i find worthy.

smoking.. its definition varies for each individual.

to me, besides it being a habitual act, i find that my feelings and thoughts seem to be magnified when i smoke. it crystallizes my state of mind and emotions and allows me to have a better grasp of what i am thinking and how i am feeling. each inhaling and exhaling motion seem to slow down the rush of my blood and the frenzy of my mind and allow me to understand and if possible, take better control of my inner emotions.

but, being able to do that doesnt make me any happier.. that i can feel so clearly what my heart is feeling.

on a lighter note, smoking lesser also makes you a healthier person (and improves your stamina too).

from this day onwards, i shall try to smoke lesser and study harder.

a stab at being a better student ya. grin.

`l am my own man
3:13 AM.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

a few weeks back, i wrote this at the back cardboard of my supposed letter set which have transformed into my personal diary. the line goes like this:

'meeting you once in my breathing moments,
my life glittered as if sprinkled with stardust.'

knowing you that once in my lifetime,
i am happy knowing i have found the strength that i have lost too long ago.

sometimes, when the going gets too tough and responsibility lies heavily on your shoulders, when your at the brink of falling off the bridge of sanity, you look back and see a familiar face smiling supportively at you in the faded distance.

the wind blows and carries with it a faint but clear hopeful cheering of your loved ones.

you give a small smile and walk on with renewed faith, knowing in your heart that your not walking alone on this journey you have embarked on.

have you found your strength today?

i have found mine.

And it's keeping me on a straight sound line of my dreams and promised goodness of life.

After note:
last week, on the spur of the moment, i started on the first chapter of 'Our Story'. after my saturday workplace law paper, i have planned to revive the many other chapters that have spinned so many achingly-beautiful memories in my life- memories that last not only a span of a lifetime, but through the sphere of infinity.

`l am my own man
5:06 AM.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

had a really nice time cosying at starbucks last night, wad's with the light drizzle pattering and sliding down the wide trademark green umbrellas shelters at starbucks.

last night, our All-brothers-Night out include lerrick, andrew and SHIYUN! surprise surprise folks! haha. she has officially joined our monday coffee sessions (thou she's not going to be a regular goer in our little club). i cant help but smile thru the conversations and my mocha-vanilla frap. my three best fwns were all seated around me and i was just thinking, i cant possibly ask for more.

thanks to her bright cheerful presence, we had a blast laughing our heads off. i cant remember the last time since we laughed so hard. jeez. we need more new happy members i say!

come to think of that, sometimes, i feel so gay with andrew and lerrick. we even share intimate little grins much to the disgusted discovery of eliza! L and i din even realize it mans. shiver. but i swear it was comical eliza's dramatic reaction. it's like she has just pounced upon some major scandal of the century. i mean, what's new right- her drama and our personal understanding.

after a much deserved long sleep, i woke up to dinner with my mum. the name-shuming- just tumbled outta my mouth and my mum actually remembered her! of course i seized the opportunity and asked my mum abt all that she think and feel abt shu. first thing my mum said: she's beautiful. (omg, i love you ma.) she admitted that she cant really say much abt her since they din really talk 'cept for the polite greetings. i was just thinking.. i think my mum has long-forgotten her adamant statement of "bringing eliza back if not a real guy home!" with regard to the issue of my love life.

i love her for her scatterbrain in this aspect. it's so endearing. i cant help but say this: my mum loves me so damn much. earlier this year during reunion dinner, my mum actually asked abt meixuan (eliza) and why she din come over for dinner with us (my reply: she's urh, having her own family's reunion dinner too? dots.), my brother nearly flipped. he gently accused my mum of "condoning" my lesbian traits. my mum simply good-naturedly said that im still young and wait-till-she's-25-den-we-talk-abt-it and end the conversation there and then. i adore my mum. i was so close to kissing her toes at the dinner table. not only she loves me so to cover my acts with her not-so-rational-and-a-little-in-denial reasoning, but she still thinks im her small little baby. "you know, I love you ma."

i have recently realized a new fav pastime to indulge in. and, that's gonna be a little secret what that is.

for now, goodnight everyone.
sweet dreams.

and to gerfwn:
have fun ya where you are. kisses and love.

-
Both of us were afraid of the passing time.
We din care what it was,
just talk and talk for a long time.
It didnt matter what we talked abt.
I just wanted to listen to ure voice.
Forever.
Forever and ever.
--

`l am my own man
3:01 AM.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

i miss you too juan. sunday stayover? i will bring my notes over to study and you can do ure art. cool? but monday i gotta leave early cause one of my kids invited me to lunch. they said my weight-gaining scheme is highly untrustworthy with all the pounds fluctuating like stock (seriously, i think it's a real exaggeration.), so they decided to take things into their own hands. one parent used the word 'fatten'. cant help but think of a chicken at that. ): wana message you but i dun really like using my phone nowadays. it's chucked somewhere at the bottom pile of my bag. so.. haha. oops. love love. i will see you tm in town at least. till then, peace be with ure stomach. grin. oh oh, i got a small surprise for you! but you gotta wait, it's still pending.. keep ure drawing going and it will come. hope this little surprise gift can inspire you to Great Heights. haha. give you a biggy hugg. love. (P.S. it's 6am and i still cant sleep. i wonder whether Aj added extra shots in my coffee..)

`l am my own man
5:35 AM.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

last project to go.

i guess tonight is going to be another no-sleep till 6 in the morning saga.

of late, i have converted into a nocturnal animal and im quite comfortable being up in the dead of the night. it does a lot of good calming and soothing of my frayed-nerves. a result that came from checking emails and picking phone calls (from my proj mates).

i worship the silence. even if it comes with a certain hint of lonesome feel which i presume to be normal with the solitary that accompanies it. the night is when the surrounding is so peaceful and quiet. it allows plentiful time and space to concentrate on my assignments.

but somehow in the dead of the night, in the midst of the quiet rush for project completion, she silently came into my mind. im thinking.. what she is doing at the other end now.

i miss you shuming. a little bit more tonight, a little more than other nights to say it here. i dreamt of you last night and if i can, i wish every night would be like last night.

take it as a moment's of weakness. but i think im allowed some signs of weakness before i continue to be strong ya. ignore my randomness.

just one word: fuck.

`l am my own man
11:00 PM.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Somewhere, a voice calls,
in the depths of my heart.
May i always be dreaming,
the dreams that move my heart.
So many tears, of sadness,
uncountable through and through.
I know on the other side of them,
I'll find you.

Everytime we fall down to the ground,
we look up to the blue sky above.
We wake to its blueness,
as for the first time.
Though the road is long and lonely
and the end far away, out of sight,
I can with these two arms,
embrace the light.

As I bid farewell, my heart stops,
in tenderness I feel.
My silent empty body begins
to listen to what is real.
The wonder of living,
the wonder of dying.
The wind, town and flowers,
we all dance one unity.

Keep dreaming your dreams,
don't ever let them part.
Why speak of your sadness or
of life's painful woes?
Instead let the same lips sing
a gentle song for you.
The whispering voice,
we never want to forget,
in each passing memory.
Always there to guide you.

When a mirror has been broken,
shattered pieces scattered on the ground.
Glimpses of new life,
reflected all around.
Window of beginning, stillness,
new light of the dawn.

Let my silent empty body
be filled and reborn.
No need to search outside,
nor sail across the sea.
Cause here shining inside me,
it's right here inside me.
I've found a brightness,
it's always with me.

Spirited Away

`l am my own man
4:26 PM.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

somewhere along the line, i seem to have lost motivation in blogging about My Life. there isnt really much to talk about anyway and the fact that i dont like to blog help much. unless there is any significant event that i have the strongest impulse to blurt it out here, i hardly like to visit my blog even. but a chanced meeting with two close friends tonight made it an exceptionally special day in my life and i would like to leave a little marker in this inconspicuous Memory Room of mine as i am so fond of identifying it as.

the eyes of these two friends perform the effects of two powerful mirrors that manifest the character of Me as a person that i am most of the time. it wasnt a comforting nor heart-warming reflection. if asked to give a brief recount of my feelings at that moment, i would say i distinctively felt an acute wave of poignant regret for my self but given a chance should history is to replay, i know, i would change nothing.

but today is the day when the wall got pulled down for a good six hours and there was frank and honest sharing. we discovered each other just more than a fair bit better. im glad it happened. it's strange how years of friendship have went past and just on an unsuspecting night like this, a vast capacity of doubts and uncertainties was unravelled about each other. it's amazing how much deeper you get to know about the person who sits in front of you many days of your life. how you have always sat together, the countless drinks that you have swallowed, the various places you chill, the different times of the day, but never a situation arises for the kind of conversation that we have had. maybe close to it, but no. we never open up in this manner before.

im very glad we talked about the stuff we were on. im thankful that even after the recent monday, i had another stayed-till-seven-in-the-morning understanding-each-other-better session. and i just want to put a little marker on tonight in my Memory Room in remembrance of it.

sometimes, i feel that my life is some kinda cosmological joke. it's funny why i felt that way. life, in my point of view, is strange to a certain extent. i cant quite put a finger on it, but it's certainly not funny to me in any manner at all.

`l am my own man
9:13 AM.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

This morning, I walk home with a certain lightness in my footsteps. I am exhilarated. My spirit is full of hope and inspiration for the future. I have found myself. The self that I have misplaced and lost years ago. I saw myself back in my adolescence. Innocently young, happy and unexplored, having not understood the personal meaning of pain and heartache in life. One full of love and zest for a beautiful life ahead. My laughter rings in the air with a certain clarity and pure happiness. I laugh. Countless times. Like the past old me who used to be able to laugh away every single thing in life with a blessed ignorance. I don't have to tell myself anymore that life is a beautiful picture of a colourful rainbow. It is already one. I, have finally came home.

Thank you. You Know Whos. I love you.

`l am my own man
7:18 AM.

Monday, October 01, 2007

"hey.. i tried calling you. wana have a chat but i guess the timing is so wrong. read ure blog.. take care of ureself alrite? i mean take really good care ya. i dun really know what to say i mean i guess anything i say doesnt help so you just be strong and i pray everything works out. i got two project assignments to submit next week so would be really busy with research and work, but im always around if you need someone to talk to alrite? phone's always hanging around me so drop me a ring if you want. give you a long hug.. i love you. you go ger."

`l am my own man
1:57 PM.