is when two people who cares for each other gets confused
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`i've waited all my life i think i have something called the "bloggers' block" the past few days. maybe it's the sun. `l am my own man
Project phase one is finally over! thank goodness. it was amazing how i managed to finish 6 journal reviews editing some 25 reviews and at the same time, study through my text before classes. i can even remember all the Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, Alderfer's ERG theory, Herzberg's motivator-hygiene theory, content and process theories et cetera under the motivation and empowerment lecture. `l am my own man
thurs 28sept 0102hrs `l am my own man
Wed 19Sept2007 0204hrs `l am my own man
today i feel much better. i din have any nightmare tonight. sometimes, you really have to significantly make a huge conscious effort to tell all those yucky emotions to fuck off, and then, you have a much better control of ure life. it's true you have to keep a constant reminder and keep ure emotions in check all the time, it's a little tiring but it works. went for haiyuen's birthday celebration just now. drank with her mum and dad! omg. they have chivas regal 18 over there! haha. this is all so cool. wish my parents are like them. grin. `l am my own man
seriously, you know what? `l am my own man
lunch with teddy and grace. `l am my own man
Thursday 13Sep2007 1502hrs `l am my own man
i dont know how it's possible, but i miss you everyday. `l am my own man
tuesday _0907 1417hours `l am my own man
`l am my own man
Sunday 09Sep2007 2321hrs `l am my own man
sunday 09sept2007 1518hrs `l am my own man
Fri 07Sep 2007 0711hrs `l am my own man
06SepThu2007 0012hrs `l am my own man
Monday 0323hrs `l am my own man
you want to run when you cant take a walk out of it. you want to run so hard and fast till the stitches take you down and you cant move anymore. you use all that you have to pull out of the sinking mud but one invisible power or another will always snap you back tight and hard and your left drowning again. you really did try very hard but it always end up wrapping the arms tight around the knees crying the pain out. it is killing your heart in such torrents. you wonder how many times this emotional wreakage have to repeat itself before it will finally be still. suddenly the window seems such a sweet escape and for once, you want to let yourself climb over it. you imagine the delicious sensation of release and you took a step nearer. you tell yourself, it will be over soon. `l am my own man
`to cross this line
`to the only thing that's true
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
or my gums. frankly, i was really depressed over it.
anyways, i finally lugged myself to the dentist this afternoon and was thankfully only diagnosed with gum infection. eww, dirty word makes my left gum swells (luckily only visible when i pointed it out to my friends. and i hope, they're not just being nice).
was so worried that my wisdom tooth is the root of the problem. i know it aint that serious since i only have sporadic pain like once in a really long while. the swelling is expected to go down in three days' time. i was so agitated when i heard that. damn, why didnt i come down earlier.
i totally high-fived kane when she told me she hates going to the dentist. i get the jitters every time someone even mentions dental visits. i would go to all costs to avoid going there and that's what makes me a stickler of twice, if not thrice a day routine brushing of teeth. hello, it's no joke when you take the same amount of time (10 mins) as me to brush my teeth alrite!
i just came back from an impromptu meet up with kane and later juan to get the SPSS CD-rom. thanks eliza! it was all so random what our conversations' about. poor juan, she puked when we were about to leave. hope your feeling much better now juan. ):
heard Backstreet Boys' As Long As You Love Me on the ride back. they're my first ever fav boy band! believe it! it's really embarrassing but i still adore them. sheepish grin.
here's a little reminiscence of my childhood heroes!
Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine,
I'm leaving my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
And how you got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me
I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you long me
Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me
Every little thing that you've said and done
Feels like it's deep within me
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run
It seems like we're meant to be
I've tried to hide it so that no one knows
But I guess it shows
When you look into my eyes
What you did and where you're coming from
I don't care
As long as you love me baby
1:21 AM.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
i feel.. accomplished. grin
what intrigues me most is Herzberg's two-factor theory.
"the opposite of satisfaction is no satisfaction and
the opposite of dissatisfaction is no dissatisfaction."
Herzberg says that we must first remove the state of dissatisfaction using hygiene factors to reach the no dissatisfaction state and then reinforce with motivator factors in order to reach a state of satisfaction. seems like a really roundabout manner to improve satisfaction among employees, but it does makes a lot of sense when you break down the process and analyze it carefully. mm, alrite, dun let me bore you further.
an interesting message from one of my kids' parents that really tickled me.
"on 1 note, forgot to credit u for being so patience (patient) with syamayne who hangs ard u like koala bear. she told her sch tr abt tr kris n brag abt the swim board tht she didn't touch."
sometimes, things little kids do really make me wonder and smile.
and i am reminded of the 4-year-old kid i miss.
but lerrick would say otherwise.
she is a 4-year-old terror. (:
i miss you.
and yesterday's phone call is more than a little surprise.
12:40 AM.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
this is really random. was doing my project when i suddenly thought of juan.
"juanie.. let's meet up really really soon alrite? i miss chatting with you so much. ): let's continue our random conversation that we've left on monday. we can sit outside the pub with my sticks and ure hand-rolled ciggies with kanie also! it will be so fun! haha. and remember our hiphop and rnb dance steps? arghh. cant wait. grin widely."
and,
"stupid lerrick! can you like just stop being so busy for a few hours and meet me for coffee!!"
oh oh, my fwn got me a chivas regal 18 from Taiwan dutyfree shop. he was commenting that their salesgirls are so much more courteous than the local ones. well, there's nothing much to dispute on that really. our singapore girls' sales services arent that fantastic from what i've observed over the years. anyway, there's one issue im facing now. thou i haven try opening the bottle (cause i still have my projs to rush), i got this feeling i dun really know how to open it? (i normally leave it to my fwns you see. now i've to suffer the consequences of not helping to open the bottles and only appear to drink.) dismayed look.
sometimes, it's not that im cutting my fwns off, but really. i just see no point in meeting some of them anymore. i still care, but it will never be the same again.
12:52 AM.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
everyday's the same, just busy with learning and teaching my kids swimming. i have swimming classes on mon, friday and sunday. wed tuition and tues to thurs classes at night. other than doing my reading and projs, im having a lot of fun watching Strawberry Panic! thanks to kane and juan's recommendations when i stayed over at juan's during the weekend. (:
"A Dream.. It's just a dream.
But my heart is always shivering.
I fell in love with you, and my lips
cry out for you in pain.
I'm waiting for you, so please come to me quickly,
and hug me; fly to me with wings made up of my sighs.
Making a bold confession
is my heart's desire.
This drop of dew, coming from my eyes as I look at you,
is because of the overflowing passion I have towards you.
Let's vow to meet again
many more times in this dream."
Strawberry Panic
1:54 AM.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
4:12 AM.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
just fuck off ya.
im not going to give it a damn anymore.
the end of all the fuckshit.
just fuck off from my fucking life.
11:52 AM.
helluva fun "officing work" with Has for four hours.
two hours of intensive swimming.
met up with my gang for LAN
(thou i merely chatted along with aj).
supper, with deb laughing nearly all the way,
and me trying very hard not to go crazy.
a warm snuggling with kane and juan at the back seat of the cab on the way home.
that basically marks the end of my simple but beautiful friday.
no studying today (it's my off day please).
now finally off to sweet dreamland on my familiar old comfortable bed.
my friends, this is pure orgasm.
3:24 AM.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Chivas Regal.
Whiskey.
(on the rock)
Lifeband.
Paulaner.
i marvel at the efficiency of the alcohol that coasts through my body and it's getting stronger despite a slow down of the drinking. then again, im a slow reactor to the effects of alcohol and more often than i like it end up in delirium before any realization can sink in. (and you probably realize at this point im a mighty lousy drinker).
i say bye to my fwn and happily hop into the cab with lerrick. poor lerrick has to suffer the brute of my esctasy in the cab all the way to MOS. it is phenomenon the way i go at her. seriously. i have never whack and laugh as hard as i have done in my entire life of drinking-clubbing scene. poor thing. she is complaining whether the repeated smacking is partly for shu. (give a small smile here) and when i reach MOS eugene takes over the reins and suffers immensely (to my utter satisfaction) under my numerous blows and kicks. but he keeps digging at me, totally deserve every punch i throw at him. urgg.
a forced tipping of ablow-job with whipped cream and grenadine to top it off at the club nearly set me off. but it is really good stuff, not as strong as the liquor earlier, so i can still happily dance to the trance music at the main hall. and im beginning to like it. i mean trance. grin.
more booze and clubbing people.
i can really make do with a lifetime of this.
P.S. Yesterday, i saw you at the club. you were wearing your skinny black jeans with your off-shoulder black blouse. the outfit that swept me off my feet the first time i saw you in it at Esplanade. it was glimpses but i believed it's you. i wished you could stay a little longer so we could have our slow dance together. i really miss that small bit about us. don't you too?
Last night marks one month since she left.
Let's hope believe that the first month is the hardest
and the rest that follows is gonna be much easier to deal with.
1:38 PM.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
gerfwn. green tea. the night when her grandaunt was admitted into hospital. we had a great talk. as all our conversations always go.
our xxxth failed attempt to visit one of her fav hangouts, Haji Lane. it's unfathomable how our plans always fail us no matter how we plan right down to the very detail of our little excursions. but even if more often than not we just end up holing at Starbucks, im contented because, im there with her.
im always amused by the various poses she manages to come up with so effortlessly.
3:19 PM.
in front of my comp typing away on my project. project meeting after classes later. hope there's still time for a cup of coffee with andrew later. i long for my vanilla frapp. and to make up for yesterday's uncountable sticks, i only smoked one today. hooray for the feeble attempt at disciplining and regulating the amount of nicotine intoxication in my system.
it was a bad case of outburst yesterday, but if you cant see the rationale behind it, im very sorry. for you and for our friendship.
2:12 PM.
Monday, September 10, 2007
the sweetest terror you can possible find
trying to get a kick before our caffeine addict kicks in
this was taken on saturday after just one hour of dip in the water
sunday, this very morning after class
tingwei and her mum. spot the strong semblance and my skin colour
the final tone after weekend classes: on the way to juanie's!
12:34 AM.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
juan, "i think it's much easier to cut the art boards lying tummy flat on the floor then in any other position".
kane, "cause it's much more stable as there is more support. xxxx".
you got it right if you've guessed that im at juan's house with kane. both of them are diligently working hard on juan's art assignments and me? blissfully lazing on the bed reading juan's book. (im supposed to be buried deep in my market research analysis project but i think, i shall just save it for the later part of the night in case sleep escapes me and i need some really heavy stuff to illegally shut down my mind. trust me. this subject is not one to mess around easily with. give a dry look)
right now, just feel like leaning back and indulge in the solace of this book in which the plot actually manages to grip my mind and transport me into its mystic world. a most welcomed escape from the mundane affairs of life especially when it's approaching the dead of the night.
alrite. kane's mum is nagging at her over the phone over whatever issues they are on. let out a sigh. it's dialogues like these that greatly disturb the much desired peace and remind us of the harsh brutality of a subject called: Real facts of Life. i hate to use this word, but it certainly sucks.
on a random note: juan just mentioned that she rather likes communicating with her mum behind the closed door of her room. let their voices simply carry through the thick wooden door and save the trouble of opening that door that separates them, talk face-to-face only to have to close that door again. i think, i may just like that idea too. minimize on unnecessary complications. life is complicated enough by itself. we dont need to add on to the weight.
10:41 PM.
the weather is back to its much look-forward-to sunny and cheerful days. and needless to say, i got a whole new copper tan and even more blondish hair to add on to my already tanned and blond hair. i counted my hair colours last night. there are red, blond, brown, yellow, algae-green (i like to call it that) and black streaks on my hair! talk about chlorine and what the sun can do to ure hair mans.
i got two new korean kids in my sunday morning class at Hillview. omg, they are so cute larh! really really! i hate to sound like im gushing like some pre-teen about some pop idol but they are really super boyishly cute! haha. seems like recently, my life been spewing with endless cute charming boys around. jump around* sorry cant help but being tad too enthusiastic here. grin,
was having a blast camwhoring with my swimming kids in the car after class. they are all so awesome and we were messing around the back of the car squeezing ourselves into various poses for my small little camera phone. haha. these kids are amazing i tell you. and they have a knack of cracking you up in many unsuspecting moments and you just cant help but laugh along even when a few decided to simultaneously imitate monkey stunts and jump onto ure back and clamour for attention. each one trying to cling on to one of ure body part and you just need to gently swing them around with their hands still around ure neck or hands or legs and they would just let out shrieks of laughter and joy.
and now, back into the pool for another round of horsing around. bless the kids. they spice up ure life infinitely. (:
2:53 PM.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Today, I remembered one thing I have came close to forget along the way as the days pass. And it was no gentle reminder from my little fellows. Andrew, Lerrick. Thanks for tonight. Thanks for always being there to make life possible to go on. I love you guys. And I hate to think of what it's going to be like without you guys by my side. Do not leave this place, please do not add on to my missing. cause I simply cannot imagine how life is going to be like, without the two of you here.
7:09 AM.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
life's a blur between work and school. seldom even get the time to come out and have a proper cup of my fav vanilla mocha frapp since school starts this week. and can you believe it, the first proj is due on the third week and now's only the first week of school. i think i better start studying later after finishing my part of the proj later.
im going to the gym tm morning to work out before work. i need to start leading my healthy lifestyle back again. oh, and i din smoke the whole of yesterday. arent you proud of me? (:
There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away
11:57 PM.
Monday, September 03, 2007
What is mononucleosis?
Mononucleosis (often called "mono") is an infection caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. Signs of mono include fever, sore throat, headaches, white patches on the back of your throat, swollen glands in your neck, feeling tired and not feeling hungry.
Does mono have any complications?
Sometimes. The main serious concern with mono is that the spleen will enlarge and even rupture (tear open). The spleen is like a large gland. It's located in the upper part of your abdomen on the left side. It helps filter your blood.Although a ruptured spleen is rare in people with mono, it's wise to be aware of the signs and call your doctor right away if you notice any of them. Signs of a ruptured spleen include pain in the left upper part of your abdomen (under the left chest), feeling lightheaded, feeling like your heart is beating fast and hard, bleeding more easily than usual and having trouble breathing.
Can mono be cured?
No. But mono will go away on its own. Symptoms usually last about 4 weeks.
How is mono treated?
The main point of treatment is to relieve your symptoms.
The following list includes tips on treatment:
Rest.
Drink plenty of fluids.
If you have a sore throat, gargle with salt water, or suck on throat lozenges, hard candy or flavored frozen desserts (such as Popsicles).
You may want to take acetaminophen (one brand name: Tylenol) or ibuprofen (some brand names: Advil, Motrin, Nuprin) to relieve pain and fever. Do not give aspirin to children. Aspirin should be avoided because it has been associated with a disease called Reye's syndrome in children. Reye's syndrome is a serious illness that can lead to death.
Do I need an antibiotic?
Antibiotics like penicillin are of no help in mono. Mono is caused by a virus, and antibiotics don't work against viruses. If you have a bacterial infection in addition to having mono, your doctor may give you an antibiotic.
What about sports and exercise?
Avoid sports, activities or exercise of any kind until your doctor tells you it's safe. Moving around too much puts you at risk of rupturing your spleen. You need to avoid physical activities for about 3 to 4 weeks after the infection starts.
Source
American Academy of Family Physicians
okay. i think im exaggerating things a little here. but gerfwn, can you please please please take good care of yourself and do not try anything close to aggravating your condition? ): and yes, your right to an extent that you should just simply leave it since the sickness will all go away on its own, but do try to put in be it the slightest effort to make it better ya. drink lots and lots of water and have plenty of rest to speed up your recovery. i know you can take care of yourself and with those wonderful friends of yours, i really shouldnt be worrying so much, but it's so hard not to.
try to sleep early tonight ya. i think this is one of the most challenging tasks to persuade you on. hope you manage to do some really productive stock up of food. take plenty of vitamins, honey with water and light food that probably involves steaming. you can steam fish with garlic, ginger, salt and light/dark sauce and they take only a couple of minutes to cook! taste good too. potatoes and plain porridge would be good for your daily carb. important: no deep fried food, unhealthy snacks and they say chicken? mm.
you can also go to this website http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/get_cooking/. they even have recipe videos uploaded! i know i shouldnt be nagging at you. that's like the last thing you need. but just be good for a few weeks alrite? i just hate to see you sick and i cant be there to take care of you. ):):
suddenly feel hungry. gonna grab a bite before sleeping. i have a feeling im eating quite a lot of meals a day. and then again, i cant really remb what i ate. i think i really must be more serious and aggressive about my weight-gaining campaign. it hasnt been making much headway and it is getting exasperating.
3:13 AM.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
"one day, they will stand before each other and in their eyes, they will see a stranger in place."
a single passenge journey the messages went
a ringing line an empty space at the other end
a vicious cycle and it's down on the floor again.
a stranger walks on this earth
a walk alone she shall travel
an only link to the world
a silent phone that would never ring
1:30 PM.
